My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How does one acquire holy water?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
