Girls should come with a carfax report
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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