help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
