Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
