The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
