I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
