life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
