she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
