Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
