my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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