So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
