I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
