Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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