I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
