You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize