Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
