Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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