i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
