I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They took my balls.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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