We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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