Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
