I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
