My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
