Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
