Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
