I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
