Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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