jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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