Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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