How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
