his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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