the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
