I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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