I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm always down for nudity.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
