i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
