I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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