Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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