i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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