I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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