So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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