I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
