i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
