RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
