there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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