accomplished twins. life is a go
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
