I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
