remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
