Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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