So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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