Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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