If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
