She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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