I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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