chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
