My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
